A Man Named Ted

The Dialogue Series

In days long gone it was custom for people working at an office to give a talk about a retiring colleague as if they had already died. Retiring meant they stopped working altogether to wait for death to come. It is believed that these so-called speeches were a means to practise for the real eulogy. The only people enjoying these awkward farewell speeches were the ones giving them. All the others present came for the free food and drinks. It was much like singing a birthday song for the birthday boy or girl in a crowded restaurant. Luckily for the world, these speeches were often thrown away soon after. Not all, here is one of them written for a man named Ted.

Twenty-five. This is a recurring number in my life. I have been with this company for twenty-five years. (Well-deserved round of applause.) Thank you. There is a first time for everything. Today, I have the honour to say goodbye to a retiring colleague. It is my first time giving a speech like this and it will be his first time retiring. Hopefully, also his last. (People laugh for no reason.)

Why me and who am I of this populi? I have been married to my lovely wife Brenda, who happens to be the daughter of the chairman (wave to Bob), for twenty-five years and can proudly tell you I have had sex on a regular basis (smile in Bob’s general direction). Twenty-five times. And I see some of you wondering why it is I am smiling so broadly about this. That is, my esteemed colleagues, tonight’s the night. (More laughing but not from Bob.)

My position in this company has, of course, nothing to do with my marrying Brenda (some snickering). I have always worked hard, and I have helped this company grow. My biggest success was awarded with a framed picture of yours truly with the words ‘Employee of the Month’ written on it in big, golden letters. I am sure you are all looking forward to receiving one of these awards yourself one day. (Hold up the picture and put on the same grin. Laughing ensued.)

This building has exactly twenty-five floors and I am currently working on the twentieth, slowly working my way towards the top. Watch out, Bob, I am coming for you (a little bit of laughter as we all know Bob has only three months left to live, four if he gives up drinking). Just like most of you, I started in one of the many cubicles on the lower floors. I kept it tidy and neat, unlike some of you (look at Fred and Billy, those filthy bastards). A clean desk is a clean mind. When I look at what is on your walls, I can clearly what is on some of your minds (bouts of laughter as I look at Fred and Billy again).

But we are not gathered here today because of me. We are gather here today, because Ted is leaving the company to enjoy his retirement. For twenty-five years I have worked in this company, Ted, and I can honestly say, I have no idea who you are. Best of luck to you. Goodbye.

Writing Prompt by Writer’s Prompts, Bill Riters – Write a Speech about somebody named Ted.