Unsigned Books

The Dialogue Series 

“Aren’t you going to ask me about my allergies?” 

“Your allergies, madam?” 

“Yes, I have allergies, you know.” 

“How very unfortunate.” 

“Well?” 

“‘Well’ what, madam?” 

“My allergies!” 

“Yes, you mentioned something of the sorts. I’m afraid I can’t you help you with that. I’m not a doctor, you see. I just serve the food here.” 

“Then you will have to know about my allergies.” 

“I do not see the point, madam. If you’re ready, I could bring you the menu.” 

“You don’t see the point!? My life could be at risk here, young man. If I eat the wrong kind of food, I could die.” 

“My advice, then, would be not to eat those kinds of foods.” 

“But what if you serve me the wrong food, is what I’m saying.” 

“Highly unlikely, madam.” 

“How is it ‘highly unlikely’ when you don’t even know what I’m allergic to?” 

“Do you know what you are allergic to?” 

“Don’t be daft, of course I know.” 

“Well then.” 

“What do you mean ‘well then’? This makes no sense at all.” 

“As you yourself know about your allergies, I assume you will order the right kinds of foods.” 

“What if I wanted pecan pie? Does your pecan pie contain any nuts?” 

“If a pecan is a nut, madam, then yes.” 

“Well, it isn’t, is it? Please, get me the manager.” 

— 

“Good evening, madam. You called for me?” 

“We will dispense with the ‘good evening’ as your waiter just tried to kill me.” 

“And how, may I ask, did he try to do that?” 

“He tried to sell me pecan pie. I am allergic to pecans, you know.” 

“No, I don’t know madam, but I am glad you do.” 

“He should have asked. He should have known.” 

“There, there, madam. I take it, then, that you will not be ordering the pecan pie? Will there be anything else I can do for you?” 

“Aren’t you going to tell him off? Scold him? Anything?” 

“The pecan pie? For containing pecans? That would be a rather peculiar thing to do, wouldn’t it? But if it pleases, madam, I will.” 

“No, your waiter. Scold your waiter!”  

“The waiter? Whatever for, madam?” 

“For trying to kill me with the pecan pie.” 

“Have you ordered the pecan pie?” 

“No, but if I had and if I had eaten it, I would have died.” 

“That sounds more like suicide to me, madam. Will there be anything else?” 

“Yes, the pecan pie, please.”